But even if He does not…

When I was in Kindergarten, I would go to my cubbyhole, stick my head in it, and whisper prayers to the Lord. My most frequent request was for God to please, PLEASE send my mom to pick me up so i wouldn’t have to ride the bus home. So many times, his answer was “no”, and I would have to trudge outside to catch my bus. But sometimes…sometimes…He said yes. And then–Oh, and then! I would run outside to our little car, praising God for hearing my prayer! And although my view of God (and my prayers!) have certainly changed since Kindergarten, there’s still this part of me that aches for God to show me that He hears me when I pray.

A young mom at our church was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few weeks ago. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, and just last night she slipped into a comma. I’ve never even met her, although she is friends with a few of my friends. But it is a tragedy. Sheer tragedy. She is my age and has a husband and a two year old daughter.

So I’m praying. I’m asking God to do big things. I want him to heal her. I want him to show us a miracle. I want him to bring her out of this fire so that she can praise him the rest of her days and sing of his glory! I want him to show her…and me….that He is GOD. Not just an old man sitting high in the sky, listening to our petty requests. No! I want him to come like the rushing wind, with the voice of thunder, surrounded by blazing white light! I want him to prove to us that He is still the God of miracles, that He is HEALER and ALMIGHTY.

But as I pray, sometimes I still feel like that little girl, surrounded by doubt, wondering if my words even matter. Wondering if they are heard or if they are simply falling, like my tears, into my pillow. I don’t have answers. I don’t have visions or assurances or guarantees. He may heal her. Or he may not. And I’ll never know why. But I’m reminded of Shadrach, Meshech, and Abednego, who before they were thrown into a fiery furnace, looked up at the king who was sentencing them to their deaths and said, “Our God IS able to deliver us. But even if he does not, we will never worship another.” And God brought them through the fire, unscathed and unharmed. And HIS name was glorified.

I do not know His plan. I have no guarantee that He’s listening. All I have is His Word and His spirit to guide me. And so I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray. Although I may not be the same little girl, praying in a cubbyhole, HE is the same God. And although my experience may not be the same as three men who were thrown into a fire, HE is the same God. And He IS able to deliver.


12 thoughts on “But even if He does not…

    • that is so funny… I was thinking of the fiery furnace verse as well. We humans have a hard time grasping the why’s of life especially in cases so tragic, but it is also through these things that God’s peace and comfort and the love of His disciples shine the brightest!! Thanks so much for the story and words said so eloquently..

  1. Thank you for your honest and compassionate heart. This has definitely been a difficult 6 months, but like you said… God IS still God, and our ways are not His. I love Nikki to pieces, my heart is broken for her, Phil, and Emma… but I know that He knows what He’s doing even when I cannot in my tiny little eyes and selfish heart see it.

  2. A cherished friend of mine said to me today – that her complete healing will only come when she enters heaven. She said that although Emma may not remember her Mom the way we would love her to, she will remember her in her own way. She will have parts of her personality, her smile, or the way she walks. Through Emma, Phil and the rest of us will see glimpses of Nikki. I continue to pray and rest in the knowledge that God’s plan is better than my own…

  3. Oh, Shan. I started crying as soon as I read this. I’ve been strugging with this recently: why does one person live a long healthy life and one person dies? Why is one baby born perfectly and another born into a life of suffering? Matt and I were praying the other day we realized that what we can hold on to is the fact that we NEVER grieve without hope. NO matter the circumstances, our hope remains the same, even when the world falls apart around us. I will absolutely be praying for this family!

  4. Love you Shannon, and I’ll be praying for the family during their time of loss. I can relate to this, because as you know, my beautiful, young, gentle sister who was an awesome testimony to everyone she met did not receive healing, this side of heaven. I still struggle sometimes with the why. It took me awhile to admit I had been harbouring anger. Why didn’t He heal her, when I’ve witnessed the miraculous healing of so many others? I’ve come to the conclusion, no matter what the circumstance, we must cling to Him and He will bring us through. I must keep reminding myself, this is NOT our home. And I never would have survived the grief if I had turned my back on the Lord during my time of suffering. He is our great comforter and He will bring peace. And one day, we will be home with our loved ones forever!

    • I agree, Jen. I struggle with the same thing. I know I’m not judge or creator, but I do doubt why God would let little ones grow up without their mommy. And yet, you’re so right–I would be NOTHING without him. And “heaven is a wonderful place…filled with glorious grace.” Hugs to you.

  5. Pingback: What of that? « Key MOMents

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