Re-do! (Series on Parenting, Part 2)

(If you missed Part 1 in the Parenting series, click here)

Now that we’ve established the importance of reminding our child exactly what it is that they’ve done wrong (“calling it what it is”), it’s time to talk about the importance of reproof, or as I call it, “the re-do”…

This week a friend told me a story about when she was interviewing for a babysitting job. As she and the mother were talking, the little girl ran out into the street, far away from her mother and refused to come back. You’ll never believe what the mom’s response was once they finally got her back to the house. Rather than disciplining her child for this atrocious behavior, she was apparently just so relieved to have her back that when they walked in the door she asked, “Do you want a cookie?”

According to Proverbs 29:15, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” Although different situations call for different means of “the rod”–such as spankings or time outs–the importance of “punishment” is generally something that comes relatively easy to parents. But something I think that often gets left out is the second aspect of that verse…”reproof.”

Reproof is basically showing someone how he/she has violated God’s Word. God’s design for discipline is perfect! Not only does it drive out the foolish behavior (the rod), but it provides the way to replace that foolish behavior with wisdom (reproof). In Ephesians 6:4 parents are told to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Giving a child a spanking or placing him in timeout simply isn’t enough. It’s important to follow-up that punishment with an explanation of what he has done wrong and how to change it.

It can sometimes be easier to tell our children what they shouldn’t do than to show them how they should do it. For example, a child might say something rude to her parents, to which they respond, “That was disrespectful!” They then send her to her room, thinking they’ve done a good job by pointing out her sin and chastising her for it. And while it is of course important that our children recognize their sin and ask for forgiveness, it is equally important that she practices the wise alternative (for example, in this case, she might return to the “scene” and use a different choice of words/tone of voice/facial expression”).

Let me illustrate it with another common situation. Let’s say Rae is playing with a friend. Her friend takes a toy from her, so Rae responds by hitting and taking the toy back. A “typical” parental response might be “Rae! Don’t hit!” But this isn’t enough. All she has learned is that hitting is wrong. She hasn’t learned WHY it’s wrong or WHAT do to instead!

It’s important that I dig into her heart and that I give her the opportunity for a “re-do.” I might say something like “The Bible tells us that love is kind, Rae. Was what you did kind to your friend? (no) Even though your friend took your toy, which wasn’t kind of her, Matthew 18 tells us that if someone does something wrong to you, you need to talk to them about it.” I should then guide Rae in the correct response, which might be something like, “I wasn’t done with that toy. May I please have it back? And when I’m finished I’ll let you play with it.”

By having her go back and do it the right way, I am training her up in wisdom rather than just punishing her for doing wrong. Don’t forget that this is a process–it will not happen overnight! But it is a certainly worth it when you see your child excercise wisdom all on his own!

Calling it what it is (Series on Parenting, Part 1)

This past week, I overheard a mom saying to her three year old (who happened to be throwing a little tantrum), “I’ve told you over and over, there are many things that you are good at, but one thing you need to work on is listening. You are not a good listener and….blah blah blah…”

Okay. I’m not an expert on parenting. Nor am I an expert parent. As you’ve seen from my blog, I struggle with keeping my cool and hosts of other things. But I think can tell you one thing…that mom lost her kid around the words, “over and over.” Even I was bored listening to her.

The Bible tells us to “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov. 22:6). I take this command seriously, and something that I try really hard to do is to train up my children using Scripture. (check out Lou Priolo’s Teach them Diligently for an actual “expert’s” opinion.) So I’m starting this little parenting series to share with you what I’m learning along the way…

I think it’s important to call a sin (yes, even children sin!) what it is…by the actual term used in Scripture. So when my child disobeys, I don’t say, “You’re not listening.” I say, “You disobeyed.” Or when she tells a lie, I don’t say, “Don’t fib!” I say, “You lied.” If we get too comfortable with softening an action by our words, we might miss out on training them up altogether!
Sometimes it’s harder to figure out what the sin is. Rae, for example, is queen of the whiners. And although there’s no Bible passage that says, “Tho shalt not whine,” Phil. 2:14 says, “Do everything without grumbling or complaining.” So it’s important that I catch myself and stop calling it “whining.” When I ask her to put away the silverware and she says, “Ugh!!!! I don’t waaaaant to!” I have to gently remind her that she is “grumbling and complaining.”

But beware…this can be tough on you the parent as well! For example, when Rae throws a fit, I often remind her of Proverbs 29:11 “Fools vent their anger.” But the other day, when I freaked out over something, she looked up at me and said sweetly, “Fools vent their anger, Mom.” Ouch.

Now that we’ve understood the importance of calling out our children in their specific sin, my next post will deal with using Scripture to find out what God thinks about their actions…and how to change it!